Its kinda funny how you can go to school with people for years and not really know them at all. I’m not talking about the people you never talk to, I’m talking about the people you sit next to in class the people who you consider friends, people you talk to everyday. It has to be funny because if it’s not funny its just sad.

A few facts about me.

My names earl, nice to meet you.

I’m 16 years old.

I’m not an outsider or loner or whatever.

Atleast I dont think I am. I have a lot of friends who i sit with and talk to in class, people I talk to at lunch, at morning tea. I like talking to everyone, and being friends with different types of people. I think it’s nice having every second person you pass in the hallways smile and wave at you.

But it’s also feels sad. I feel like, despite knowing and talking and being friendly with all these people, no one really knows me. No one I can actually trust or fully rely on, like if i had nowhere to live or my life was falling apart, who would actually give me a bed to sleep in, help me pick up the pieces. I sometimes wonder whether these kinds of thoughts are valid or just a product of social anxiety, or panicked paranoia.

Waking up for school is the worst. Every morning the alarm goes off, a constant irritating beeping, until I gain the willpower to sit up and turn it off. Then, after getting ready for school and getting dressed, I make myself a coffee, its bitter no matter how much sugar and milk I add, but I drink it anyway, because it helps keep me awake. Mornings are the worst in winter. At Least in summer spring and autumn I can walk out the door and feel the sun on my face. In winter it’s just cold. Even the freckles on my face feel sucked dry of warmth, faded. 

The only plus is the walk to school. I only live ten minutes away so I can put in my earbuds and listen to music and think the whole time. I like thinking by myself. It’s nice to mentally check in on myself and run through what’s happening with me, it’s just so difficult to do it with anyone else, no one else really seems to understand.

Monday, first period I have math. It sucks. Everyone sits down, smiles, asks what your weekend was like and gets on with their work. I know how cynical i sound, complaining about being pleasant and civil. It just feels so pointless. It’s the same stuff everyday. The same questions. The same people.I’m not pretentious, I dont think Im the only person whos stuck in this endless blackhole of thought. I think there’s a lot of people who think like that, think like me.

After maths i always have physics. I like physics. I give me a small grasp on the things that happen in our universe. Shows me the rules, shows me that there is some kind of structure. That it’s not just random happenings happening. It’s just so frustrating that I’ll never fully understand it all. I’ll never be able to comprehend and think deeply about it all. I don’t have the capacity, or the tool to understand. I’ll just be stuck here thinking about all the things I can’t think about.

I go through the rest of the day, the rest of my classes, lunchtime, more conversation, more small talk, more nothing. More of the same empty feeling. As soon as school finishes its straight home. And soon as I get home its straight into my room.

Small, white walls, the typical teenage turmoil of clothes and book fanned out across the floor. A few posters, a polaroid or two taped to the wall, and not much else. The only things that seem truly unique to me are the damages. The scuffs where the door handle meets the wall, the dents and holes, and ode to that careless childhood nature. A time where thoughts of  my inferiority in the world were not at the forefront of my mind.

I spend most of my time in there trying to find something to distract me from that constant brooding voice in the back of my head, writing, reading, watching season after season of a new TV show, but it all eventually ends. Then it’s just me. And the voice. The one that says things like.

“Nothing matters, you don’t matter, it’s all nothingness, so why don’t you join the nothingness sooner rather than later, rather than live out a lie.” Its kinda hard to argue with. It is all just gonna end up as nothing. Why bother living if the only thing you are contributing to is nothing.

Friday is the best day. There’s usually some small gathering or party I can go to, sit in the corner and drink under the guise of being social. I can sit and listen to it all fade into background noise, a distorted buzzing. I live for those times. The laughter comes easier, smiles wide, cheeks flushed.

Then I go home. Either a quick taxi ride or a long walk, either one done in a haze and fuzzily recalled the next morning. Pass out in bed and wake up sore and thirsty three hours later, when the alcohol wears off. But it’s worth it. For those brief few hours Im free, free to be happy instead of forcing an illusion of it.

Saturdays and Sundays are good too. Wake up late on Saturday, see if there’s another party tonight to go to, and if not stay home and continue to watch TV shows. Sundays I usually attempt to get some homework done but usually end up reading a book, or watching a show, again. Possibly get lunch with a friend or something like that.

Then it’s Monday again. School again. Up early and a bitter coffee again. The same classes, the same people, asking the same questions. The same old cycle. I count down the days of the week until I can block it all out, let it all fade into the background. 

Is this really it. Is this my life. My small slice of existence and its spent doing this. And as soon as I leave school it’ll be the same thing, just as a university, and then at my job. A pointless sequence of events to repeat and repeat and repeat until I die.

What the fuck is it all for? Why do I even bother. The ends going to happen and what will i have done? Gathered enough items of value to make whatever offspring I have happy. It’s all worthless.